Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Joy to the World..
Joy to the world. Because that’s what this holiday is really all about. It’s not about the presents, or the tree, or the food. It’s not about consumerism, or materialism, or getting the most things. It’s not about money. Christmas is about joy. It’s about seeing the best in people. It’s about spreading happiness, love, and optimism everywhere, and trying to do just a little bit, on one day, to make the world a better place.
Monday, December 21, 2009
GIVING
Have you ever brought a special gift, working hard just to get it, only to be refused by the person you were giving it to? That didn't feel right, did it? Our relationships are greatly enhanced when we become not only generous givers, but generous receivers as well. When we know how to accept gladly, wholeheartedly, embracing the gift as an extension of the giver. It takes both giving and receiving for care and generosity to flow unimpeded. Are you a generous receiver?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
LiFe...
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile..
Feeling the love today
Home is not a place, it's a feeling you have when you are comfortable and safe.
Family is not a name but a connection that brings us all together under one umbrella and let us be happy.
Family is not a name but a connection that brings us all together under one umbrella and let us be happy.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Things to Ponder
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!I've busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.And just when I thought that things would get betterThose assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funnyWho the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?And the kids these days--they all are the pitsThey want the impossible--Those mean little shitsI spent a whole year making wagons and sledsAssembling dolls...Their arms, legs and headsI made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!Flying through the air...dodging the treesFalling down chimneys and skinning my kneesI'm quitting this job there's just no enjoymentI'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Do one thing everyday that makes you feel totally alive......
What a concept..I tend to feel alive just waking up. So how do I do this??
1. Meditation
2. Sing really loud
3. ....................................................UNFORTUNATELY EVERYTHING ELSE THAT COMES TO MIND IS ILLEGAL!!!!!!
To be continued (after some thought)
What a concept..I tend to feel alive just waking up. So how do I do this??
1. Meditation
2. Sing really loud
3. ....................................................UNFORTUNATELY EVERYTHING ELSE THAT COMES TO MIND IS ILLEGAL!!!!!!
To be continued (after some thought)
Monday, October 19, 2009
LEARNING
If I worry a lot, then day after day I am learning how to worry even better. If I think about doing something a lot, then I am learning how to think about doing. Every moment I am happy, I am learning how to be even happier. Every time I act, I am learning how to take an action even better.( What is it that you are learning today? What is it that you want to learn tomorrow?)
Today I have learned to let go of the past and concentrate on the future!!!
I believe that with some hard work, communication and patience, my marriage can be better then ever.
I now believe people can change when they are open to seeing what it is theyv'e been doing that no longer works.
TOMORROW I HOPE TO LEARN THAT I AM NOT A FOOL!!
I want to learn how I can continue to be positive, listen and be supportive and open to a new beginning!!
Today I have learned to let go of the past and concentrate on the future!!!
I believe that with some hard work, communication and patience, my marriage can be better then ever.
I now believe people can change when they are open to seeing what it is theyv'e been doing that no longer works.
TOMORROW I HOPE TO LEARN THAT I AM NOT A FOOL!!
I want to learn how I can continue to be positive, listen and be supportive and open to a new beginning!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The New Plan
Another day, another plan.. So it has been suggested to me that I take a self searching workshop course. We will take it together and try to see where to go. I wasn't sure at first, but as I look at the new events that have accured in "MY" life, the actions I have chosen, it's a good idea now. I need to figure things out before I self distruct. I now realise that in my anger I am going to end up doing something that will be unforgivable. I don't want to hurt anyone, but someone is going to get hurt. I think I tried to move on or make something in my life that just isn't there. So I have to face what is and that is I'm not ready to move on in many ways especially emotionally till I can come to terms with what has happened with my marriage.
I wish it didn't have to be this complicated, but it is.
So it's time to do the right thing and be honest, most of all wwith myself!!
I wish it didn't have to be this complicated, but it is.
So it's time to do the right thing and be honest, most of all wwith myself!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
TRUST YOURSELF
If you do not, then you will forever be looking to others to prove your own merit to you, and you will never be satisfied. You will always be asking others what to do and at the same time resenting their help. Trust in yourself starts with being ok with the consequences of your decisions.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
MIRACLE
There are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle. Everything we have is a blessing, enjoy!!!
INFERIOR
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You have to agree that you are less and that someone else is more to feel inferior. If you don't agree, you can not possibly feel inferior. You might know something less, or you might be ...able to do something less, but you ARE unique and hence simply incomparable. Do not buy into being reduced to an object of comparison.
BLESSED
This last year I have realized that life and the relationships we make throughout are surprising, wonderful and painful all at the same time, and it sure does make it interesting, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am blessed....
I BELIEVE
Hate is the poison in this world, slowly eating us alive. Can we decide to and act upon a life without distrust in one another and, understand each individual for whom they are inside and out "Love them with all the love we have?"... I believe we can!!
Casual Sex - Casual Intimacy
The last few days have been a bit odd. I’ve been having a very indescribable feeling. It hasn’t been heart break for sure, nor loss or emptiness really, just a confusion and lack of direction. Also wanting to talk to my friend… but that’s expected.
I think what has been bugging me the most the last few days has been trying to figure out what exactly was the problem that led to the uncomfortable unsure feeling I, as well as he, was suffering from… and I am pretty sure my brain has used the last 3 days and sorted it out finally, at least to some extent.
In the short: You can’t force a casual relationship from an attraction that by nature isn’t just casual.
Casual Sex ≠ Casual Intimacy – since by definition, intimacy isn’t casual
Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and close connection with another as a result of entering into a relationship through knowledge and experience of and with the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.
I’ve come to realize that Friends With Benefits or having casual sex only works, when you are physically attracted first and friends second, typically not even *great friends and usually only due to a shared interest or two which led to the initial meeting in the first place. Which is the reason you usually can’t turn friends with benefits into anything but that, since there is nothing to base an actual intimate relationship on.
Wheres the problem then? I mean, that’s really how the majority of actual lasting relationships are started, usually very good relationships*. If you can be good friends first, you pretty much have it made!
*although, ignorance is bliss tends to mean that “love at first sight” or physical attraction being the main factor in a relationship, can work for some people – I, and most of my good friends, just happen to not fit that category
Unless… you try to force it to be something its not. Much like if you were to try to force a fling or mainly sexual situation into being a lasting relationship, you can’t go the other way either.
Enter the main problem: He has no idea what he wants, or really likes/is looking for, and just, for many good reasons, isn’t ready for anything that involves commitment. I, however, know, at least in most ways, what type of people and connections I want to have in my life, be it in a relationship or just lasting friendship. I know what I am looking for, and can tell when I find something worth holding onto in whatever way.
That being said, I knew his problems from the get go so I had to tell myself to go into this and not get involved past a certain point, which, on many levels worked just fine. I cared, and will continue to care quite a bit because that’s who I am, but I didn’t fall, which is why I can handle this in a fairly sane way right now I suppose. Yay.
However, because we agreed our attraction is built on something more intangible/communication based, you can only turn off so much without feeling like something isn’t quite right at any given time.
Like you don’t know how to feel about the other person. Should you want to see them more? less? Should you care what they want? should you not care? Is it ok to plan something or does that make it worse? WTF am I doing?!??!?…
in short: Just because you know you aren’t ready or you know they aren’t in a place for something, doesn’t mean you can change the way you connected in the first place.
This, I believe, will ultimately create uncomfortableness until both parties find themselves in the same (or at least much closer) place/time.
Enter the issue: On top of all of this basic knowledge, you throw in a few outside comments, a little ill-defined intentions, misread thoughts, and some “way too soon” situations, that even committed new COUPLES can’t handle well, and you are in for a world of frustration and stress.
A game plan in a perfect world would be to “start over” when both parties are on the same field. Do what comes easy, restart that friendship, and talking, let the sex and intimacy enter naturally again, and just be by yourselves, 100% committed to forming an actual relationship. Communicating about likes, dislikes, dos and don’ts and go from there. Let the first few weeks or month be just for you two and after that, bring in other people in the normal way, go together to a party, where you can break off and mingle, and relax. Do this in spurts, maybe then find another newer couple as well, and define your relationship to the other people, and discuss what you are comfortable with when out with your partner before hand. Finally, if/when the need arises, spend time with more serious couples in less serious situations, movies, games, parties… and work up to dinners and more private events, and always, make time for couple time as well as alone time in healthy amounts. This assures a much less stressful and healthy environment for a relationship to grow from.
Not only in my situation did we do ALL of the above incorrectly and too quickly, we did it while not even in an relationship and forcing an incompatible “definition”, or lack there of, that would probably never work, because we are good friends first and both still married.
I think maybe we wanted it to work out casually, and kept pushing/hoping for it to work, because, well, we wanted to get some, and in addition we wanted to continue to be friends (and really couldn’t do so without eventually wanting to end up in bed it seems), but didn’t know how to do it, without rushing or stunting the others current “relationship IQ”.
Sadly, in situations like these, there isn’t really anything that can be done until you can at least get close to the same place. The timing doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be closer than this.
Who knows if it will ever line up. No one really does, life is fun like that. I know we’ll be friends again at some point, although once that barrier is breached and that physical attraction is formed or amplified from a good friendship, its almost always impossible to go back, so what that means, I don’t know.
Would I ever disconnect and JUST be physically attracted to him or vice versa? … I’m pretty sure that could never happen barring some core personality changes on both our behalf’s. Would I ever want to be just friends without that closeness? Would it ever really feel okay to be together without being able to be intimate? ::ponders:: hard to know.
If the pattern means anything, we’d probably just end up in bed together and go from there again. If this situation proves anything, is that it’s all just trial and error sometimes until you get it right.
I remember I said at one point “the best relationships, be it friendships or more, are those that define themselves” … I think when I said that I was leaving out the ever important issue of timing though. Timing is a bitch.
Even despite the craziness of the last day and confusion.. I think we managed to pause this all before any permanent damage was done, and that’s half the battle in things like this. I do think I will feel a little disconnected or just off somehow not talking in a few days, but that’s what has to be done right now.
Life and the relationships we make throughout are surprising, wonderful and painful all at the same time, and it sure does make it interesting, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think what has been bugging me the most the last few days has been trying to figure out what exactly was the problem that led to the uncomfortable unsure feeling I, as well as he, was suffering from… and I am pretty sure my brain has used the last 3 days and sorted it out finally, at least to some extent.
In the short: You can’t force a casual relationship from an attraction that by nature isn’t just casual.
Casual Sex ≠ Casual Intimacy – since by definition, intimacy isn’t casual
Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and close connection with another as a result of entering into a relationship through knowledge and experience of and with the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.
I’ve come to realize that Friends With Benefits or having casual sex only works, when you are physically attracted first and friends second, typically not even *great friends and usually only due to a shared interest or two which led to the initial meeting in the first place. Which is the reason you usually can’t turn friends with benefits into anything but that, since there is nothing to base an actual intimate relationship on.
Wheres the problem then? I mean, that’s really how the majority of actual lasting relationships are started, usually very good relationships*. If you can be good friends first, you pretty much have it made!
*although, ignorance is bliss tends to mean that “love at first sight” or physical attraction being the main factor in a relationship, can work for some people – I, and most of my good friends, just happen to not fit that category
Unless… you try to force it to be something its not. Much like if you were to try to force a fling or mainly sexual situation into being a lasting relationship, you can’t go the other way either.
Enter the main problem: He has no idea what he wants, or really likes/is looking for, and just, for many good reasons, isn’t ready for anything that involves commitment. I, however, know, at least in most ways, what type of people and connections I want to have in my life, be it in a relationship or just lasting friendship. I know what I am looking for, and can tell when I find something worth holding onto in whatever way.
That being said, I knew his problems from the get go so I had to tell myself to go into this and not get involved past a certain point, which, on many levels worked just fine. I cared, and will continue to care quite a bit because that’s who I am, but I didn’t fall, which is why I can handle this in a fairly sane way right now I suppose. Yay.
However, because we agreed our attraction is built on something more intangible/communication based, you can only turn off so much without feeling like something isn’t quite right at any given time.
Like you don’t know how to feel about the other person. Should you want to see them more? less? Should you care what they want? should you not care? Is it ok to plan something or does that make it worse? WTF am I doing?!??!?…
in short: Just because you know you aren’t ready or you know they aren’t in a place for something, doesn’t mean you can change the way you connected in the first place.
This, I believe, will ultimately create uncomfortableness until both parties find themselves in the same (or at least much closer) place/time.
Enter the issue: On top of all of this basic knowledge, you throw in a few outside comments, a little ill-defined intentions, misread thoughts, and some “way too soon” situations, that even committed new COUPLES can’t handle well, and you are in for a world of frustration and stress.
A game plan in a perfect world would be to “start over” when both parties are on the same field. Do what comes easy, restart that friendship, and talking, let the sex and intimacy enter naturally again, and just be by yourselves, 100% committed to forming an actual relationship. Communicating about likes, dislikes, dos and don’ts and go from there. Let the first few weeks or month be just for you two and after that, bring in other people in the normal way, go together to a party, where you can break off and mingle, and relax. Do this in spurts, maybe then find another newer couple as well, and define your relationship to the other people, and discuss what you are comfortable with when out with your partner before hand. Finally, if/when the need arises, spend time with more serious couples in less serious situations, movies, games, parties… and work up to dinners and more private events, and always, make time for couple time as well as alone time in healthy amounts. This assures a much less stressful and healthy environment for a relationship to grow from.
Not only in my situation did we do ALL of the above incorrectly and too quickly, we did it while not even in an relationship and forcing an incompatible “definition”, or lack there of, that would probably never work, because we are good friends first and both still married.
I think maybe we wanted it to work out casually, and kept pushing/hoping for it to work, because, well, we wanted to get some, and in addition we wanted to continue to be friends (and really couldn’t do so without eventually wanting to end up in bed it seems), but didn’t know how to do it, without rushing or stunting the others current “relationship IQ”.
Sadly, in situations like these, there isn’t really anything that can be done until you can at least get close to the same place. The timing doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be closer than this.
Who knows if it will ever line up. No one really does, life is fun like that. I know we’ll be friends again at some point, although once that barrier is breached and that physical attraction is formed or amplified from a good friendship, its almost always impossible to go back, so what that means, I don’t know.
Would I ever disconnect and JUST be physically attracted to him or vice versa? … I’m pretty sure that could never happen barring some core personality changes on both our behalf’s. Would I ever want to be just friends without that closeness? Would it ever really feel okay to be together without being able to be intimate? ::ponders:: hard to know.
If the pattern means anything, we’d probably just end up in bed together and go from there again. If this situation proves anything, is that it’s all just trial and error sometimes until you get it right.
I remember I said at one point “the best relationships, be it friendships or more, are those that define themselves” … I think when I said that I was leaving out the ever important issue of timing though. Timing is a bitch.
Even despite the craziness of the last day and confusion.. I think we managed to pause this all before any permanent damage was done, and that’s half the battle in things like this. I do think I will feel a little disconnected or just off somehow not talking in a few days, but that’s what has to be done right now.
Life and the relationships we make throughout are surprising, wonderful and painful all at the same time, and it sure does make it interesting, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
SEcond chances
Ok so I really want to move forward..Crazy as it seems, I'm sure my hopes will be crushed again, but I want to give it another try. So the plan : I called Sharon last night and spoke with her to get some help and support. This is the last thing I wanted to do, however it's what I had to do or felt it is my last chance..family support. This may very well back fire, I might have jus got things moving in the direction of having those papers sighned, but we'll see.
My second plan is, I will go to counceling, and I will keep an open mind, try to listen!!! It's not going to be easy, but I have to get over being so angry..patience, i need patience!!!
My second plan is, I will go to counceling, and I will keep an open mind, try to listen!!! It's not going to be easy, but I have to get over being so angry..patience, i need patience!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is this it??
There has got to be more in a marriage then sharing kids and an address. Is this really it ?Should I just sit back and accept that this is as good as it gets? No way I just can't. I've been miserablly sitting by, just f**cking exsisting in hopes that he would see the light, get out from under his puppet master, grow a spine and remember whats important. If this is never going to happen....say la V..But the ass just keeps saying he does want this and does jack diddly squat. The only reaction I can get from him is his constant detachment from me & in truth the family. Yes he spends time with the kids, as a single father he will do fine, he just sucks AS A HUSBAND. I am giving this "US" just 1 more month. I have got myself set up for a job and the paper work is ready for the seperation. I don't want this but I think it's time I start truely enjoying my life, not just exsisting. My beautiful kids are growing so fast and I want to be more active in their daily life, I want to get over being pissed of and taking the back seat in my own life. No more. I am responsiable for my own happiness and I am responsiable for showing my children that their mother can be happy, outgoing and a great example of a women, someone they can trust to be CONSISTANT in everything we do. I want to be someone my children are proud of, cause right now I can't imagine they are.
THIS WILL CHANGE/I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT!!!!!
THIS WILL CHANGE/I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT!!!!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
~~Frustration~~
What to do. I tried tonight to just put the past few months, feelings and anger aside, have a decent meal TOGETHER and see how it felt. That was short lived. First he came home late, then has the nerve to complain and the topper, needs to go out to get a haircut..Whatever, I just came to bed. AHHHH I can't put myself out there, I know I will only get hurt once again. WTF how did I get here. This is not the life I was supposed to live. Something has got to give. Until next time.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Have you ever felt like you were standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming and no one hears you. That is how I feel all the time. It seems like no matter what I try to do, everything I say....nothing changes. I can't take this anymore. Since finding out about my husbands issues last November, everything I thought I knew, hopes and plans for the future are slowly slipping away. I never would have thought "this" would be my life. I need to find a way to get past this anger, I'm so pissed that my family is being torn apart. Yes we are still all under the same roof, but with the way things are going, somethings gotta change, so I can overcome this anger. We have two beautiful children to think about and I owe it to them to respect their dad and to get along with him. God how did we get here.
I know there's things we should try or try again, like counseling, but I need to feel that he truly, sincerely wants to work on this without all the outsiders chiming in. A professional, well okay but only if I see some action, not just "all the right words"!!!
I want to get passed this anger, and try to forgive but how do I do that when there's no remorse or actions to indicate that a future together is the goal. I cannot let down my guard and trust him, only to get hurt again, no thanks I'd rather go separate ways now and try to start healing and start on a new/different path.
Okay I'm going to sleep on this a pick-up tomorrow.
I know there's things we should try or try again, like counseling, but I need to feel that he truly, sincerely wants to work on this without all the outsiders chiming in. A professional, well okay but only if I see some action, not just "all the right words"!!!
I want to get passed this anger, and try to forgive but how do I do that when there's no remorse or actions to indicate that a future together is the goal. I cannot let down my guard and trust him, only to get hurt again, no thanks I'd rather go separate ways now and try to start healing and start on a new/different path.
Okay I'm going to sleep on this a pick-up tomorrow.
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